Tuesday, November 13, 2018
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Letter To The Mad Monarchs 

I’ll write him later, but let me first turn to you. Truth is definitely stranger than fiction! Now, now; I don’t want you to be umbrageous about this whole "Special Envoy" thing. A really, really crazy thought though.

I am not preachifying here, but I think that Captain Nicholas of Halley’s Comet had the comfort of proven success with the 315-degree monarchs. Just conversation here. Actually, I am thinking out loud. Not advocating. Exactly the opposite. I think the Grassfield BB Kings; you should not have taken the route you took to where bread is possibly better buttered.

It is definitely understandable that you had to be moving on. But it is at least an interesting consideration in your quicksand situation to draft abominable idols of desolation upon the altar of reason and royalty. Would you be better off if you had kept Captain Nicholas? Think about it. The internal mood would be terrible anyhow, but it couldn’t be worse than this. The money would be about the same.

When the news broke that some you of the BB King kindred had ordained "Special Envoys", my mind did an acrobatic feat; somersault if you like, and landed on past monarchs who cultivated megalomaniac tendencies with their mental states ranging from severe psychotic and psycho-organic disorders to personality disorders and light neuroses. Although all the royals in this series might not have been clinically mad, they certainly were peculiar.

Well, anyway, I thought about the Raving Royals of Great Britain; Henry VI "The Mad"; the naïve fool and James I & VI of England and Scotland; the wisest fools. The Terrible Tsars of Russia also came to my mind; Fyodor I "The Bellringer"; he was the feeble-minded Tsar who was fond of church bells; then Ivan V "The Ignorant"; the simple-minded Tsar, ruled by his sister and his wife. These were followed by thoughts of the Silly Sovereigns of France, the Kinky Kings of Spain the likes of Carlos II "The Bewitched".He was the degenerated monstrosity on the throne and Philip V "El Rey Animoso", who was torn between desire and guilt. Oh, how many they are!

I thought too of the Melancholic Majesties of Portugal; Afonso VI "The Glutton", a grinning moron. And of course, the Erratic Emperors of Austria and the Sadistic Sultans of Turkey like "Mad" Mustafa I and "Mad" Ibrahim I.  I even thought about the Rakish Rulers of the Middle East such as Farouk of Egypt; a playboy, glutton, kleptomaniac and king; together with King Nabonidus of Babylon who ate grass and imagined he was a goat.

There we are: desolation. Some of you seem to be desolate, abandoning good people and worse, seemingly being abandoned by God and by His grace. It seems the milkweed butterflies are tiring of their old tradition and are dabbling in furore. And are being attracted or deceived or forced into real apostasy.

You are rejecting your traditional faith for the so-called modern Western impressions and gender balance. I am really sorry to say this to you, but you are not far from becoming idolaters, that is, worshippers of political party idols and tin gods. I hope you are patiently attending to all these tedious details I am saying. Pay attention because I must tell you, disasters and temptations similar to those which afflicted the Jews in the second century B.C could also afflict you Grassfield royals.

We are beginning to think that some of the monarch butterflies will soon require ritual purifications to prevent the menacing wrath of their ancestors. It is perhaps too early to judge how the Special Envoys; you can avoid calling them messengers, couriers, messiahs, word bearers or even page boys, are going to perform. However, the risk is merely coming close to a cultural catastrophe and realising too late that a more reasonable step could have made the difference. Plus, it won’t be hard to honourably deal Captain Nicolas out as an expiring contract.
Yours truly, Fly On The Wall

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