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Modern Love: To Fart Or Not To Fart 

By Carine Bongadu

A friend of mine came to me sometime ago and said "I think my husband is hiding something from me". I was concerned, so I asked her what she thought her husband was hiding from her. "I don’t know", she replied. "All I know is he has never farted in front of me!" Naturally, I could not keep a straight face after that so I burst into laughter. She asked me not to laugh, because she was very serious about this. Why would you be living with someone in the same house, sleeping on the same bed, and yet this person has never farted in front of you?

After that, I decided to talk to others. 28-year-old Pamela said she thought it was something you ought to be comfortable enough to do in front of your husband or your boyfriend. She said to me, "my husband and I have wars, very amusing actually. Of course, when I just met him I could not do that in front of him, but one night I mistakenly farted and I was very uncomfortable but then he did not say anything.

He just let go another, longer one and we started laughing." Not everyone thinks like Pamela. I met another lady, Rita, who said it was a very nasty thing to do. "It is like picking your nose in public. You should never, ever fart in front of anybody, not even your husband. That is why they made toilets! If my husband farts in front of me, I’ll be very angry. It means he does not respect me." Rita could not understand why a woman would be concerned because her husband had never farted in front of her.

I could not keep a straight face while asking these questions but I decided to try a few more, men this time. I talked to two men and while both of them said they usually farted in front of their girlfriends, one of them thought it was not okay for a woman to do the same thing. The most interesting answer I got to this question was one guy who, sounding very serious, said to me, "you should not fart in front of any other human being. That is gross disrespect. If Jesus or God were standing in front you, would you fart then?"

Forget professionalism, right there and then I burst out laughing. Come on, Jesus? God? It is a general assumption that Jesus and God can see and hear you wherever you are, so I wonder where you would be farting on this earth for Jesus or God not to know. My friend, Mrs. F, decided to talk to her husband about it. Seriously, she asked him why he had never farted in front of her, even though they had known each other for over five years. I am sorry to write this, but Mr. F is about one of the coldest persons I know on this earth. Maintaining his composure, he said to Mrs. F, "it is not a polite thing to do in front of anybody."

Personally, I think you should not fart in a formal gathering, in front of someone you just met or someone you are not really friends with. But if you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with someone, let’s be realistic, 30 years is a long time for you to remain self-conscious around your best friend, your family, your mate.

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